Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I will praise the Lord who counsels me—even at night my conscience instructs me. I keep the Lord in mind always. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices; my body also rests securely. For You will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see decay. You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures. Psalms 16:5-11 (HCSB)
Have you ever had something so woven into your heart, into your being that it hurts to release it? Yet deeper than the pain, runs a peace that empowers you to lay it down freely without regret.
Today I am the one who carries a heart story. One that certainly won’t be easy to share, but one that I pray will be passed on to whom ever might need to hear it. Every word I write today feels weighty and important, too important not to release no matter the depth of hard that surfaces.
“From my mother’s womb you have chosen me, love has called my name.”
On September 2, 2015, I found out that I was pregnant with our first Child. The shock and beauty of the moments that followed were completely overwhelming. With tears falling down my face, I whispered my praise to the Lord and stood in awe, unable to move from that space. From this point on I would be a mother no matter what the future held.
Even if that meant I would never hold my child on earth, outside of the womb.
For 2 weeks, Chase and I were able to secretly celebrate this life growing in me. This child, our child. I had no idea the depth of love and longing that could consume my spirit in the span of 14 days. I prayed for my baby, I surrendered my fears over and over, I had dreams of rocking my child to sleep and savoring every moment.
For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began. Psalm 139: 14-16 (HCSB)
Only 2 weeks later, on September 15th, 2015 I received that call from the Dr. that no mommy ever wishes to receive. “Lindsey I am so sorry that I have to tell you this but you are having a miscarriage.” In one sentence, I knew my world would never be the same. Even though my Dr. only confirmed what my body and heart knew to be true, the confirmation ushered a fresh gateway of grief.
Time stood still.
Until you walk through something like this, there is just no way to fully understand. I used to be on the other end. Always broken for those walking down this road but never from a place of understanding. Now I get it. Each of our stories are uniquely different, but I can now understand how a mama’s heart and love for her child is immediate and expansive. I am so sorry for you mamas who have walked your own path of loss. I am just so sorry.
The Lord has been our rock.
His constant presence has been made known to us again and again. He has placed a community of mothers around me, who have walked similar roads, and fathers around Chase. The love and presence of each one has been timely and far too beautiful for words. There are few things that bring my heart more bittersweet emotion, than watching my husband grieve well. I have fresh tears coming as I type, because this holds so much of my heart. I knew that I loved Chase when I committed my life to him at the Altar, but I had no idea just how expansive that love would grow in a few years time. This road of loss has opened my eyes to how deeply Chase has loved me back. When I haven’t been able to speak, because the moment of grief is too great, he has held me. When I need to process my thoughts and feelings out loud, he has listened. When I need to hear his voice of assurance, he has spoken. His tangible love for me in this season of hard, is nothing short of beautiful.
Beauty amidst the ashes.
I’m thankful for Jesus.
I’m learning that it is OK to not be OK. Although we have felt the Lord’s faithfulness and believe He is sovereign, I don’t want to give the impression that this road hasn’t been hard. There have been days in the last couple of months that have felt weighty and overwhelming. Sometimes I am weary, and in those moments, I wish joy was automatic, not something that I must choose. I have experienced times of complete brokenness and vulnerability, overtaken by emotion at a moments notice. Yet even in those desperate moments, the ones where I am most fragile, He whispers life-giving, peace-filled, truths into my weary soul.
Lindsey, I know your heart, I see your grief, I am close to you, I am here always. You are my beloved child whom I love dearly. Rest in me, my daughter, I will breathe life into your weary soul again. I can’t help but to Sing His praise, during this season. He has been too faithful not to trust, even if I feel completely blind looking into the future. He will guide me, even if it doesn’t feel like I’m moving anywhere. He remains, even when my feelings don’t match up. It’s OK because He is in control of it all.
Wherever these words find you today, whatever journey the Lord has you on, my prayer is that this piece of our story might resonate with you in some way. Whether you are in a season of grief and questioning yourself, or wading through the unknown waters of tomorrow. Whether you are in a season where joy comes easily and the waters have calmed, or a storm is headed your way; I’m praying that the Lord prepares your heart for each step.
Life is such a journey of joy and grief and everything in between. I don’t understand it all, I have questions and so many unknowns, but I do know that this is not my forever home. Every day is grace, yes even the ones that feel unbearable with grief. The mysteries of God are marvelous and beyond comprehension. He knows the very depths of my being and in the same moment, He sustains this whole world/universe, never forgetting or misplacing the birds of the air and flowers of the field, or even one grain of sand. He is in all, and through all. Eternally greater and more powerful than my best understanding.
Welcome to Becoming Autumn, my name is Lindsey and I am so glad you're here! If you would like to learn a bit more about me and my passions, click below!
Love you dear sister. And I love my little niece or nephew up above. ..safe in the MIGHTY arms of Jesus.
Amen! love you too!
Lindsey I don’t know you well, but I do love clicking over to your blog from time to time to see the wonderful way you have documented your life! This story brought me to tears, and I am amazed at the way you have named the heartache in such an honoring way. May God continue to bless you in this time.
thank-you so much for your sweet words Katelyn! so incredibly thankful for the love and support!
So sorry to here about this. And yet so inspiring (as always) to read what God is doing in your life and heart even in the midst of heartache. Chad and I will keep you guys in our prayers. <3
Thank-you Kelly! so thankful for the friendship we have in you and Chad!
Lindsey,
Thanks you so much for sharing this. I can only imagine this being tough (beyond words). I’ll keep praying for you!
Thank-you Justin! so grateful for those prayers!
Oh Lindsey, I miscarried at 9 weeks and like you said, each path is unique but painful. I grieve with you and Chase in the loss of your first child. May you continue to process your grief slowly. You are loved!
Thank-you Cara! your words are an encouragement!
Thank you for sharing, Lindsey. Praying for you both. God is good even in the midst of the unexpected and hardships.
absolutely Alexa! Thank you for your prayers!
Lindsey, I feel your joy and your pain. I found out I was going to be a Mom and then miscarriaged at 10 weeks. I was so saddened. Then a few months later we we expecting again. I was so elated, rejoicing over the child God had given us. Then at 10 weeks along on the exact same day I miscarriaged, again. I was so devastated! I cried out to God about the hurt I was feeling. He carried me through that dark valley. I am so thankful for His constant love! The next pregnancy I had was to be Cherish. We are so thankful for the gift of each of our children, two on earth and six on earth. I need to tell you I have secretly watched you since you were born. You were born when my first child was expected. You have always reminded me of that precious one in heaven. Thank you for letting God use you to be a blessing to others!
Oh Becky!
thank you so much for sharing this with me! My heart aches for your losses and rejoices with your blessings. I’m completely humbled that my life might remind you of your sweet one in Heaven. It has me in tears thinking that for 24 years you have chosen joy again and again as you have watched me grow. Had I not walked this road myself I may have never known. What an unexpected blessing from this hard season. Thank -you!